Thursday, November 5, 2015
A Letter to the New Girlfriend of Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde
by Dr. Annalise Torelli BS, MA, PhD
Dear New Girlfriend,
Let me begin this letter to you by acknowledging that you will not believe a word of it...just yet. Not for months, or even a year or two...In fact, you may read it and go running to the amazing new man you just met, ~your brand new 'soulmate' for some reassurance that none of this is true. And he WILL tell you it is all a lie. He will deny everything. And I expect that he will tell you it's all the imaginings of his ex-psycho GF. Oh yes, he will say, you are SO much better, his Princess, his One and only true love. And he will warn you not to believe a word of anything that ANYONE ever says about him...unless it is all GOOD, of course!
~Or he might try this strategy with you. He may half heartedly admit, if he is confronted, that YES! he has done "things in his past that he is not proud of", but he has "learned from his mistakes and he is a changed man for YOU! And besides, he isn't perfect sometimes. He tells you that he won't make the same little 'mistakes... this time, ...because YOU are SO Special, ...more Special than anyone else before you, and he won't repeat anything from the past. YOU are safe from his inner demons! He has worked on himself and he is a NEW man! Everything he ever did that might be even a little wrong, is all in the 'Past...far far away. PAST. Yes, it's all in the past and his past has nothing to do with what you now have (after a whirlwind lightening fast 3 weeks of meeting him). What he has done in his past was SO long ago that it's as if it never happened. Right? (what a convenient concept) And it must be true and real...just like your special new relationship! (can we say instant!) And if you find out my real name, he will convince you most of all that you must never listen to a word I say or write, and that you should never try to talk to me. You will believe everything he tells you. You will. I know. Because I did too. Once Upon a Time.
Right about now YOU,...as the next one in line, are feeling like you hit the jackpot and won the lottery all at once. You could not be happier! You are happy, just deliriously HAPPY! You are dancing on cloud nine and ten and counting all your lucky stars. In less than a few weeks since you met Mr. Wonderful perhaps online...of all places, and now you think you're so completely 'in love' that you hardly know what to do with yourselves. You almost hold your breath until the next time you are together. He takes your breath away when you see that million dollar smile of his! Your heart just melts at the very sight of him. You're immediately inseparable. In such a short time,...days, or mere weeks, you crave him. You are together every chance you can get. You have already been on some of the most romantic dates of your life in just a few weeks of first meeting. He is Romeo... ~and you are his new Juliet! The 'ONE'... in a line of others before you who were also the "ONE'. But let's not go there just yet. Let's just stay with this dream for a little while. It feels so good. How do I know? Because I was in that exact same dream, not as long ago as you may have been told.
Right about now you are telling yourself, "Yes, but I am different than you", even 'better' somehow. In the mere month that you have 'known him', you are certain that you already know him better than anyone else who has known him for years! You say to yourself "I am the girl he has always dreamed of", and you know this because he tells you so. You are the one he has been waiting for all of his life. The one who is so special, that only you can heal his troubled heart. YOU'RE the one to make him happy, you are his 'everything'! He's been saying this since you met. So it must be true. You know, without a doubt that you are meant to be together. It is fate and destiny. What did he ever do without you? You are his angel. It is a TRUE love story, if ever there was one! A 'Success Story' for others to envy. Even better than in the movies. He is your leading man. You are his leading lady. Your stomach is full of butterflies, you hardly sleep, you hardly can eat, and he is on your mind day and night. Well, those aren't really 'butterflies' girl, that's your 'gut instinct' giving you warnings. But you won't pay attention. And neither did I. It's all so deliciously GOOD!
Spoiler Alert: Close your eyes right now and don't read this! The reality is that it feels SO good, because it is TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE..., it's just his Dr. Jekyl act that he lets you see ~at first. An illusion. His best side, his 'good' image and persona are all of himself that he allows you to see right now. He pours on the charm and attentiveness. It's his most tried and true BAIT to lure women (you) in unsuspecting of what's to come much later.
Keeping you unaware of his true nature is paramount, the means to an end that you will only understand later, after you have given him your trust and your heart and he has returned them shredded.... What you do not know are the dark secrets that he keeps hidden about himself. His Mr. Hyde side is the REAL DEAL and is saved for much later, for when he is 'sure' of you' and then sometimes grows tired of you (and he will, even if you cannot imagine it right now). He will show his dark abusive side only much later, when you begin to see that reality and this dream are two different things. Only when you begin to question him. If you saw his real persona, the dark and dangerous Mr. Hyde side, you would RUN! And he knows this!... ~okay, you can go back to the dream now...
Close your eyes and count all those hundreds of yummy kisses he has given you by now. Oh yes, if there is something he is an expert at, it is this at first. He kisses you for hours, in private and public...and everywhere you go...and you are blinded by those wonderful sexy perfect kisses! You will not realize right now that blinding you to reality ...is the real reason for this. You cannot see beyond the smokescreen of those perpetual nonstop kisses...and that's the point of them...NOT because he's totally smitten with special YOU. ~The only woman in the world truly meant for him! But to bond you tightly and as quickly as possible to him and convince you that YOU are 'The ONE'. (I will not tell you that these kisses will also dwindle and stop eventually. Right now you only imagine being in his arms FOREVER!) Sometimes you feel you can almost fly and you're floating on air everywhere you go. Your head is up there in the clouds. You see rainbows and sunshine and shooting stars. But you have no idea how thin that air will get one day. And I really don't want to warn you. Not yet. I truly DO wish that the dream you are currently dreaming was as real as it seems to be for you.
It goes something like this; ~From the start of each waking moment you have thoughts of HIM. Magical, wonderful perfect HIM. And your world has suddenly, VERY suddenly, taken on the rosiest hue! You are in Heaven. He is a gift, ~ just for YOU! You wonder if you've finally been rewarded for something you did right. Your prayers have been answered...at last! He is a dream. Almost Godlike. ~A funny cuddley snuggley playful little boy sometimes. How cute is that?! So thoughtful and loving and tender and sweet. So affectionate, he can't keep his hands off of you. Oh! you feel so good and happy just to BE with him. And you tell him...frequently, just how amazing, sexy, smart, handsome, remarkable, perfect...and essential...he has become in your life. ~In just a few short weeks. You feel you have always known him. You BELONG together. He has become your EVERYTHING very quickly. You have been swept off of your feet...literally! And there is your Prince right there to catch you! What a lucky girl you are. Luckier than anyone in the entire universe. Oh! Lucky YOU! You hum and sing as you skip down the street. It's all SO hunky dorie wonderful. And the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause and Leprechans really DO exist after all! Isn't it incredible? This must be REAL love!
You are certain that there is no other man on earth more attentive or more of a gentleman. There is no one EVER who could be SO much fun. Everywhere you go he is always holding your hand, or his arm is around you and he is constantly kissing on you,...oh yes!...all those wonderful delightful kisses. Again, on every street corner, everywhere you go. Nonstop kisses. You can't get enough of him. Right? You haven't felt this way in the longest time and never thought you would feel this way again, but here you are...already so deeply in love with the 'love of your very life'.(in record time! WOW, is this what swooning feels like?) Am I right so far? He is just that amazing. He is already your drug and you are addicted to him, to his very touch, his stories, his wit and humor, his seeming 'compassion for others', his utter CHARM...to HIM...the whole package. (the whole ACT) Come to think of it, could there be anyone more charming than he is? What a Prince! ~ and YOU are his Princess in your very own real life Fairy Tale love story. How do I know this? Because it was the SAME dream, the same story...the same exact things he said and did with ME when I was 'The ONE'. ~But don't believe that. Right now, anything I say to you cannot be true. I am now cast as the evil & crazy EX who left for no reason at all and broke the tender heart of a very sensitive & wonderful man. Isn't this the role I now play in HIS & YOUR special new dream? How could I DO such a terrible thing?
By now he has told you all the 'stories' of how his EX's were so horrible to HIM, that they just did not appreciate him enough for the great guy he is, and they neglected his 'needs' and were abusive and critical and made him feel very bad about himself. The 'pity ploy' ~so very convincing and so classic of a narcissist, but you won't catch on to this yet. It's behavior designed to get you to feel sorry for him, ~care more about HIM and feel protective of him, while blaming others too...it's you two against the world of his awful EX's! See how bonding that is? A play for pity works perfectly while making himself out to be so hurt...Its all a smokescreen so you wont notice the 'not so great guy' with a history of violent behavior & abusiveness, ~the Mr. Hyde that he is really hiding. This pity ploy keeps you distracted from taking a real good look at HIM? All that 'love' and all that smothering attentiveness he is showing you right now feels just too good so it has to be real. Right? VERY CONvincing. If he hasn't yet blamed his EX's for his problems, he WILL begin bad mouthing his most recent one soon...(then one, a few, or all of them eventually). Perhaps right now he is pretending everyone is friendly so you aren't scared away. He knows to disparage one's EX is a big RED FLAG and on the list of things NOT to say to YOU!...Most likely in short time, he will ignore this dating rule though. You will come to notice the longer you are together that the 'rules' of life in general just don't apply to HIM.
Oh! how those awful critical nags who haranged him and took everything from him and made him cry. His poor heart was broken, stomped on and smashed to a million pieces by those horrible psycho bitches! Awwww, how could they hurt such a wonderful darling adorable man such as he? Oh yes! Did I mention that they all had 'issues' and too many 'problems' and were 'bad' people? They just never could 'trust him' (don't ask yourself why that is just yet) ~Blame them too! Cling to his version that it was 'all their fault'. Yes! It must be true, because his family is backing him up on this as they all nod in unison when he tells you how terrible his last relationship was...the one with ME...just before YOU. Couldn't be that the entire family is just that much in denial and dysfunctional...right? I can assure you they are well aware of the trouble he has caused, in his own life, in theirs...and in others, but their lips are sealed, and they will go to great lengths to cover it all up, pretending all is wonderful and perfect. They have found ways to punish him and cut him out within their family circle, but they will never let you know this...let's not think about this right now either. Right now YOU are the cure. They are counting on your relationship working out...THIS time he has found someone so special that he could NEVER raise his voice ~or fist...to you. If he does abuse you later, it means that you were not the right 'ONE' either. Never mind this though because if it doesn't work out, HE and they will blame YOU next. You will have your turn to be the family Scapegoat someday too. You will eventually be the horrible EX who 'made him do the bad things he does' because you provoked him. YOU are flawed and to blame...just ignore me though, I'm only the terrible EX.
Go back to the Dream...and your dream man...and those dreamy kisses....
Its interesting, don't you agree ~that it's such a pity that this perfect man kept finding Miss Wrong all of his life. I mean, the poor pitiful fella has just had the worst luck with women hasn't he? He has tried and tried with all those other horrible women. He certainly has. He never gives up either, even if it means literally stalking them...but that's also for much later. YOU are here now to change all that for him and make him so happy! He deserves the BEST! ~And the best is you! WooHoo! Yes...YOU are here to rescue him and make him feel all better. You won't make the same mistakes like others have made. You will treat him better than all the rest...because you are the right 'ONE'. After all he and his family say you are so much better than any of his EX's...and you believe it. I remember this part of the dream too. When I was told that I was "a breath of fresh air compared to his last girlfriend" as they all nodded in unison and made mean remarks about her,... under their breath. Poor Prince Charming. All of his Ex's were just awful. So terrible. Just horrible. But too bad for them now! It's their loss. It's all in his PAST! He's all yours now! He has become the most wonderful man in the world. And your specialness has something to do with that!
Well, let's not burst your bubble just yet. It's nice for me to reminisce about the first 'bloom' of his love rush too. To remember the same EXACT things I felt, as I write this letter to you. Oh yes, I remember it all too well. In exactly the very same way. And that's because he did exactly the SAME things. Said the very same things. Went on the very same dates, to the very same places. Held my hand in the same way in the car with the same music on too. ~Said all the most romantic and very same things too. Looked into my eyes and kissed me a billion times. Just like he does with you. Pay attention here. It's his best game play! He did the exact SAME things, and I fell for it all too in the EXACT same way you do right now. A couple of years from now, (give or take) this point will be important to you as you sort your way out of the ashes of your life,~the damage and cognitive dissonance that you will be left with after the dream is over and you wake up to the nightmare you are really in. Right now there is nothing I can say to you that you will believe. In fact, you must already view me as the sour or bitter EX. (Forget that I left HIM, and the possibility that HE might be bitter instead). Yes, that's the role I am cast in now, in this amazing new love story that YOU share with HIM.
You have probably been told that the break up was mutual, or perhaps that HE broke it off or was thinking about it anyway, and that maybe I just beat him to the punchline. He tells you he is sure that I still 'want him', because he is SO GREAT that in his mind, every one of his EX's really secretly regrets leaving him. Am I close? It would take a miracle on the moon for him to be truthful and tell you that it was his RAGE, HIS lies, his record, his numerous bad moods, his VIOLENCE, his 'keeping the options perpetually open, his words, his neglect, HIS secrets...the hours on porn and singles sites, his abuse, his excuses, the cheating, his always blaming others, and did I mention his lies and the VIOLENCE ???...that cost us our 'Dream'. The truth is that I left and moved far away...SO far away, ~where I was safe from both his lethal violent side and his charm. I am not angry, and I certainly don't want to be with him. Hello? Pay attention to logistics here and wonder why a woman would move SO far away and leave behind such a 'wonderful man' if he were truly wonderful? I wrestle with myself not to say this, but the truth is that of all the people I have met in my entire life, I wish that I had never met him. NEVER. Not ever. I could not mean this more. Oh, I loved the first part of the Dream too, and it was very hard to wake me up from it, but the damage in the aftermath of the nightmare it became was not worth any of it. And because I truly thought I loved him once, that makes me incredibly sad. I had nightmares and woke up in fear and tears fearing his anger and that he was coming to hurt me some more...but this won't happen to YOU. Right?
So many truths he will keep from you too...about his past, about his tantrums and frightening level of swift violent behavior, and all his trouble with the law. His lies robbed me of the information I needed to make very important choices for my own life and those I love...his lies kept me in the dark about what I REALLY faced in the future with him, and cost ME dearly in my time and ability to trust other men...and to trust myself to know who is good and who isn't 'good'. (it's called 'cognitive dissonance, and you will have this too the longer you stay with him) His abuse ripped my spirit and heart in two & took my happy disposition and my good health for a long time afterwards. I lost confidence and my cheerful personality. He kept from me what I deserved to know. ~That he was a violent man and had a history of abuse a mile long. I would never have had a first date with him, let alone give him a second look,..if I had known. And he knows this. He knows this about YOU too. And he will do anything to keep you from knowing the truth, including denigrating me, calling me a liar and saying that I am 'crazy' and 'jealous' so you will not believe me. He will accuse ME of the very things that he has done and continues to do. I am risking much to try to help you. But you will only realize this later...later when the Dream you are in right now comes to an end. I am sad to tell you that it WILL come to an ending. Not now, or even soon perhaps. You might even have a few 'happy months or years'. But one day it will end. Because if it doesn't, you will not survive. ~Either emotionally and spiritually...or even far worse... ~physically. When you wake up one day and see the damage he has really done to YOU and your life,...just as he done to everyone who has dared to love him, including YOURSELF, that's when your heart will be broken too.
Another SPOILER ALERT: Now comes the part where you must wake up! But you can save this part for when you are ready. Don't read any further if you want to dream just a little bit more. I wish that you were ready for some reality right now as I would like to find a way to protect you and spare you from the destructive nightmare that your 'dream' WILL become. I wish your love story was real. You won't believe this either, but I do. There will come a day when small dents in his armor will begin to show thru. A precurser to the big ones. It might happen sooner, or it might happen later. The timing is not relevant. What matters is that just like everything else is the same in this dream you are in at 'the beginning', so will 'the ending' be...the very same...a nightmare. Perhaps some details will change here and there...but it WILL end, and you will be hurt. Your sweet and giving heart that's so full of love for him, so full of unabashed joyful promise, so innocent of what's to come...will one day feel as if it has been broken beyond repair.
NO! you say?! This is real and it will never end. It's too bad I feel this way, but it will never be like this for YOU. Unfortunately, it will. He might try harder this time and do better. The dream may last longer this time with you. He may be determined that this time you won't leave him. Rejection and abandonment are his biggest fears...right up there with exposure. But the minute you become familiar, perhaps a little boring, or doubt him or question him, or wonder and ask for some clarity about his behavior, he will begin the dance of devalue and discarding you. Oh he will NOT discard or leave you right away. He won't break up with you all at once. Instead he will begin to torture you with abuse and neglect and blame, cheating and lies. Then when the push and pull, hot and cold rollercoaster ride he takes you on begins in earnest, you will feel it. And it will hurt. He will never leave you without a replacement already lined up and waiting in the wings. If you are anything like me, (and you are) you will try to fix things. You will lay awake in bed alone and long for him to return to that man you first fell in love with at the beginning when your dream was so new and so wonderful. But at this point you will rarely see him again. Instead, he has gradually become the REAL persona that he IS and transform back into the real Mr. Hyde. If the charming Dr. Jekyl ever comes back, it will only be at brief intervals, until he vanishes forever. This change might be subtle, or it may be sharp and clear as the first time he hits you full force with his fist, leaving you in shock and pain. Things will never be the same after that. They can't. Now you know too much about him and he must be sure no one else will know. Now you become the 'crazy one' who 'harangues' him...and very soon you will be in my shoes...IF you can escape.
Oh, he WILL be Dr. Jekyll AND Mr. Hyde for you off and on, for a while...He will seem loving and a complete gentleman, and then turn instantly sour and furious!... and then sweet and attentive again, then suddenly rage, then just as quickly smile and kiss you, and then grab you by your hair and threaten to throw you down the stairs, then wrap you in his arms and say he is sorry and he loves you and it will never happen again. He will make tender love to you, then say that you aren't really his type as you lay in his arms. He will seduce you with sweet nothings, then tell you that you are nothing. He will get on top of you and put his hands around your neck and smile as you struggle to breathe. He will feign sincere remorse, ~then the fake apologies will stop. He will be protective of you...then speed down the street at 160 kilometers/hr in a rage when he thinks someone cut him off...risking your life. He will frighten you...then laugh at your tears and fear. You will begin to notice that he is SO easily offended by the smallest things. He will give you a gift, but when he is angry, it will disappear and he will tell you that you lost it. His stories will change from one day to the next. He will vascillate between brutal 'honesty' and outright deception to confuse you, and then deny that he ever lies or plays mind games, and that YOU are making things up in YOUR mind. He expects absolute 'respect', to be noticed, appreciated, validated and admired and entitled, at all times...for no reason...and if the Dr.Jekyll act doesn't garner the complete attention and constant admiration he seeks from others, then his 'Mr. Hyde' true self will angrily demand that they notice him! Did I mention the temper tantrums? Oh boy! No mere 2 year old could out-do HIS version of 'pitching a fit'! The tantrum part is a lot of fun. Very entertaining the first time you witness it. He will whine and mutter, ~complain in a babylike voice, throw and break things, hiss and spit too. And when this happens, you will be shocked to hear a grown man, nearly 50 years old...whine like a very spoiled little girl. It's all just so NOT pretty to see. This behavior will continue more and more frequently...In cycles. ~Wash, rinse and repeat!
He will yell at you, then laugh at you and put you down. He will pout because you didn't read his mind. The tantrums will get louder and longer. He will step on the toes of tiny little elderly ladies and scream at THEM in the street in front of many witnesses. He won't care who he hurts! In time, his perfect 'Father of the Year' act will falter and he will rage, verbally abuse and hit his kids right in front of you. And you will be shocked at the swift fits of rage and sudden violence! He'll no longer try to hide it. He will complain about every other thing and break objects when he is angry. Then he'll smile and make a joke or make excuses and seem sorry. He will neglect you for days, and then romance you for a few hours. Up and down and all around. Small things at first, then HUGE! He will make you doubt yourself, mock you and tell you how stupid and inadequate you are. He will play mind games in earnest and play them to WIN. And he will be cruel, so cruel ...then say he 'didn't mean it' or you 'took it all wrong'. And 'can't you take a joke?'. Only nothing will be funny at this point.
He will slowly,...ever so carefully,~erode away your dignity and confidence. He may eventually beat you and bruise you too, as he has done in many of his other relationships. But he has been in trouble for abuse and assault so many times now that he's on the radar of local law enforcement. So it's possible he may not go quite this far...with YOU...as he knows the next time he gets violent, he will go to JAIL! ~But you will be abused. You will cry as much as you smile at this stage. Then, if you don't find a way to leave him after this, you will lose that smile completely. He WILL break you, hurt, crush, abuse you, damage, blame and use you, take your heart, your spirit, your trust, use your money, your love, health & life, stalk, threaten and scare you, then devalue and discard you,...then destroy you...and dust himself off with a satisfied smile and move on quickly to the next 'ONE'. You will become his 'horrible EX', and it will all be YOUR fault...and he will quickly start a new Fairy Tale Love Story...with someone else. After YOU. Guaranteed.
Your health and appearance will suffer. Your relationships with your family, children and friends will suffer too, because they will begin to notice things about him that they don't like, and will be puzzled that you stay with him. You will reach out to them and tell them about some problems and things he does, and they will get tired of hearing it when they offer their advice and support and yet see that you stay with him for more. This is when you begin to lose your own inner dignity. You will even question your own sanity to stay with this man, who once was your Prince, who's issues clearly go beyond the problems of someone who told you he that just maybe "wasn't perfect" sometimes.
He will eventually become who he IS. Nothing you can do will prevent his eventual transformation back into 'Mr. Hyde'. He IS a very unstable, angry, violent and selfish man with a personality disorder and character flaws that you cannot heal. Being with him will destabalize YOUR life, even your children's lives and affect them!... If you don't believe this right now, promise yourself that you will get out immediately at the first sign that what I am telling you is true...For THEIR sake, if you can't leave him for YOURS!
After quite a while of this stage, when you keep trying harder to please him...meeting all his needs...you will notice he will be up all night,...night after night, logging on to singles profiles you never knew he had. Looking up other women from his past and sexy coworkers on Facebook...He will spend time on porn for hours. Hours and hours and hours. Looking like an absolute BOZO the CLOWN totally oblivious that you are standing right there as he's stupidly staring at, talking to and masturbating to some air brushed naked women on a computer screen with his pants around his ankles. Just like some common heavy breathing pervert. Yep! That's the same Prince Charming you are with...right this minute! Take a good look! Not quite the picture of who he seems to be right now, is it?
There will be hang up calls and calls from Other Women asking for him and wondering who you are? You will begin to recognize many signs of deceit,(such as when he leaves in the morning wearing his sexiest underwear and after-shave on Tuesdays and Thursdays and returning home smelling like...well...SEX...later ) Or he makes secret calls outside on the patio, the garage or in the bathroom...or after you have gone to sleep. And you are NOT invited anymore to his work events, and he begins to suggest you each have your 'own space' or nights out sometimes. He suddenly joins a gym, or starts to go more often and for longer periods. He will brush past you at home and take a shower or change his clothes and put them on the bottom of the hamper. The kisses will stop. You will find notes with numbers beside names you don't know. Suddenly he will be having lunch more often with 'friends',...and you are not included. You WILL begin to notice you are a becoming neglected , and he will become angry if you point this out or ask him any questions about his change in behavior. And though he is very well practiced at hiding and denying that he cheats...DO listen girl. Pay attention here. No matter what he says, how he lies, how he denies...he DOES cheat. And he WILL eventually cheat on YOU. But this is the least of the concerns you should have. It is your safety that should be most important.
Oh yes, sorry to let you in on his dirty little secret life so soon. None of this is your fault. You see, no amount of your 'trying' and loving him really really good and really hard,...will change this about him. Eventually he WILL seek more and more attention from others. It does not matter how pretty and 'special' you are, or what a good cook you are, or how sexy and wonderful you are in bed. It doesn't matter if you are as gorgeous as 'Hallie Berri' or 'Elizabeth Hurley' and 'Christie Brinkley'. (just ask them, they will tell you this too) Being one of the prettiest, smartest and wealthiest, most talented women in the world won't spare you or make you more special to him, or make this Fairy Tale Love Story work out...later...when the newness wears off...and it will!. His need for attention and validation is endless and vast and no one woman can fill him up...right now he assures you that you are all he needs...but it's just another one of his lies.
There is so much more to tell you, but I will spare you the rest, I think you have heard enough to figure your way out, eventually...when you need to save yourself! If you eventually do leave, do so carefully, as he becomes highly offended and furious, he will call everyone you know, and neighbors all around you...in the middle of the night...pertending to be 'concerned'(but trying to get information about you)...and he will stalk you, stand outside your window at 2am staring at you as you're sleeping, and do everything that scary movies and nightmares are made of. Be very careful when you leave, as he becomes dangerous and harrassing and threatening, worse than you can imagine. I can only hope that you have paid attention. But I'm fairly certain that you won't, just like I wouldn't have either. Right now you love this Fairy Tale True Love Story and imagine with all your might that you really truly love him. That what you have with him was 'meant to be'. You have no idea that the man you love right now does not exist. It's just a mask. You will cling to this 'dream'...and HIM for dear life.
You think he loves you. He tells you he loves you SO much. You believe it with all of your heart. And it is so sad for me to tell you this too, but he does NOT know how to love anything or ANYONE...but himself. He can sure fake it to be even better than the real thing though! He is not really Prince Charming, andmore than a Narcissist. Because he is also violent and has been in trouble with the law so many times, because of this he is on the other end of the spectrum of Narcissist and more so a Psychopath. I can assure you that he is dangerous in many ways. Your spirit, soul...heart and body are in mortal danger, the longer you are with him. So please. Just for a moment, stop to ponder this. Right now, He has convinced you...ever so swiftly...engaged you SO fast...bonded with you so tightly...WHY the rush?, is it because YOU and HE are just that special together? Is there really such a thing as 'fate'? Or was it his intention to romance you so thoroughly that your head will be in the clouds and you will not pay attention to those 'Red Flags'..in hopes that you might never find out the truth that this 'dream' he created for you was well practiced and perfected on the "ONE"s before you. He hopes you will not see these truths about HIM. The truth is that you are really in a nightmare and you won't know it....until the damage is done and it's too late for you too...
That's one truth I hope with all my heart...that doesn't turn out to be true...
XO,
The EX-Girlfriend
READING LIST TO HELP INFORM YOU BELOW:
http://www.psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com
http://www.lovefraud.com
http://www.lisaescott.com
http://www.saferelationships.com
http://www.waking-you-up.com/Sarah-Strudwick.html
Close your eyes and count all those hundreds of yummy kisses he has given you by now. Oh yes, if there is something he is an expert at, it is this at first. He kisses you for hours, in private and public...and everywhere you go...and you are blinded by those wonderful sexy perfect kisses! You will not realize right now that blinding you to reality ...is the real reason for this. You cannot see beyond the smokescreen of those perpetual nonstop kisses...and that's the point of them...NOT because he's totally smitten with special YOU. ~The only woman in the world truly meant for him! But to bond you tightly and as quickly as possible to him and convince you that YOU are 'The ONE'. (I will not tell you that these kisses will also dwindle and stop eventually. Right now you only imagine being in his arms FOREVER!) Sometimes you feel you can almost fly and you're floating on air everywhere you go. Your head is up there in the clouds. You see rainbows and sunshine and shooting stars. But you have no idea how thin that air will get one day. And I really don't want to warn you. Not yet. I truly DO wish that the dream you are currently dreaming was as real as it seems to be for you.
It goes something like this; ~From the start of each waking moment you have thoughts of HIM. Magical, wonderful perfect HIM. And your world has suddenly, VERY suddenly, taken on the rosiest hue! You are in Heaven. He is a gift, ~ just for YOU! You wonder if you've finally been rewarded for something you did right. Your prayers have been answered...at last! He is a dream. Almost Godlike. ~A funny cuddley snuggley playful little boy sometimes. How cute is that?! So thoughtful and loving and tender and sweet. So affectionate, he can't keep his hands off of you. Oh! you feel so good and happy just to BE with him. And you tell him...frequently, just how amazing, sexy, smart, handsome, remarkable, perfect...and essential...he has become in your life. ~In just a few short weeks. You feel you have always known him. You BELONG together. He has become your EVERYTHING very quickly. You have been swept off of your feet...literally! And there is your Prince right there to catch you! What a lucky girl you are. Luckier than anyone in the entire universe. Oh! Lucky YOU! You hum and sing as you skip down the street. It's all SO hunky dorie wonderful. And the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause and Leprechans really DO exist after all! Isn't it incredible? This must be REAL love!
You are certain that there is no other man on earth more attentive or more of a gentleman. There is no one EVER who could be SO much fun. Everywhere you go he is always holding your hand, or his arm is around you and he is constantly kissing on you,...oh yes!...all those wonderful delightful kisses. Again, on every street corner, everywhere you go. Nonstop kisses. You can't get enough of him. Right? You haven't felt this way in the longest time and never thought you would feel this way again, but here you are...already so deeply in love with the 'love of your very life'.(in record time! WOW, is this what swooning feels like?) Am I right so far? He is just that amazing. He is already your drug and you are addicted to him, to his very touch, his stories, his wit and humor, his seeming 'compassion for others', his utter CHARM...to HIM...the whole package. (the whole ACT) Come to think of it, could there be anyone more charming than he is? What a Prince! ~ and YOU are his Princess in your very own real life Fairy Tale love story. How do I know this? Because it was the SAME dream, the same story...the same exact things he said and did with ME when I was 'The ONE'. ~But don't believe that. Right now, anything I say to you cannot be true. I am now cast as the evil & crazy EX who left for no reason at all and broke the tender heart of a very sensitive & wonderful man. Isn't this the role I now play in HIS & YOUR special new dream? How could I DO such a terrible thing?
By now he has told you all the 'stories' of how his EX's were so horrible to HIM, that they just did not appreciate him enough for the great guy he is, and they neglected his 'needs' and were abusive and critical and made him feel very bad about himself. The 'pity ploy' ~so very convincing and so classic of a narcissist, but you won't catch on to this yet. It's behavior designed to get you to feel sorry for him, ~care more about HIM and feel protective of him, while blaming others too...it's you two against the world of his awful EX's! See how bonding that is? A play for pity works perfectly while making himself out to be so hurt...Its all a smokescreen so you wont notice the 'not so great guy' with a history of violent behavior & abusiveness, ~the Mr. Hyde that he is really hiding. This pity ploy keeps you distracted from taking a real good look at HIM? All that 'love' and all that smothering attentiveness he is showing you right now feels just too good so it has to be real. Right? VERY CONvincing. If he hasn't yet blamed his EX's for his problems, he WILL begin bad mouthing his most recent one soon...(then one, a few, or all of them eventually). Perhaps right now he is pretending everyone is friendly so you aren't scared away. He knows to disparage one's EX is a big RED FLAG and on the list of things NOT to say to YOU!...Most likely in short time, he will ignore this dating rule though. You will come to notice the longer you are together that the 'rules' of life in general just don't apply to HIM.
Oh! how those awful critical nags who haranged him and took everything from him and made him cry. His poor heart was broken, stomped on and smashed to a million pieces by those horrible psycho bitches! Awwww, how could they hurt such a wonderful darling adorable man such as he? Oh yes! Did I mention that they all had 'issues' and too many 'problems' and were 'bad' people? They just never could 'trust him' (don't ask yourself why that is just yet) ~Blame them too! Cling to his version that it was 'all their fault'. Yes! It must be true, because his family is backing him up on this as they all nod in unison when he tells you how terrible his last relationship was...the one with ME...just before YOU. Couldn't be that the entire family is just that much in denial and dysfunctional...right? I can assure you they are well aware of the trouble he has caused, in his own life, in theirs...and in others, but their lips are sealed, and they will go to great lengths to cover it all up, pretending all is wonderful and perfect. They have found ways to punish him and cut him out within their family circle, but they will never let you know this...let's not think about this right now either. Right now YOU are the cure. They are counting on your relationship working out...THIS time he has found someone so special that he could NEVER raise his voice ~or fist...to you. If he does abuse you later, it means that you were not the right 'ONE' either. Never mind this though because if it doesn't work out, HE and they will blame YOU next. You will have your turn to be the family Scapegoat someday too. You will eventually be the horrible EX who 'made him do the bad things he does' because you provoked him. YOU are flawed and to blame...just ignore me though, I'm only the terrible EX.
Go back to the Dream...and your dream man...and those dreamy kisses....
Its interesting, don't you agree ~that it's such a pity that this perfect man kept finding Miss Wrong all of his life. I mean, the poor pitiful fella has just had the worst luck with women hasn't he? He has tried and tried with all those other horrible women. He certainly has. He never gives up either, even if it means literally stalking them...but that's also for much later. YOU are here now to change all that for him and make him so happy! He deserves the BEST! ~And the best is you! WooHoo! Yes...YOU are here to rescue him and make him feel all better. You won't make the same mistakes like others have made. You will treat him better than all the rest...because you are the right 'ONE'. After all he and his family say you are so much better than any of his EX's...and you believe it. I remember this part of the dream too. When I was told that I was "a breath of fresh air compared to his last girlfriend" as they all nodded in unison and made mean remarks about her,... under their breath. Poor Prince Charming. All of his Ex's were just awful. So terrible. Just horrible. But too bad for them now! It's their loss. It's all in his PAST! He's all yours now! He has become the most wonderful man in the world. And your specialness has something to do with that!
Well, let's not burst your bubble just yet. It's nice for me to reminisce about the first 'bloom' of his love rush too. To remember the same EXACT things I felt, as I write this letter to you. Oh yes, I remember it all too well. In exactly the very same way. And that's because he did exactly the SAME things. Said the very same things. Went on the very same dates, to the very same places. Held my hand in the same way in the car with the same music on too. ~Said all the most romantic and very same things too. Looked into my eyes and kissed me a billion times. Just like he does with you. Pay attention here. It's his best game play! He did the exact SAME things, and I fell for it all too in the EXACT same way you do right now. A couple of years from now, (give or take) this point will be important to you as you sort your way out of the ashes of your life,~the damage and cognitive dissonance that you will be left with after the dream is over and you wake up to the nightmare you are really in. Right now there is nothing I can say to you that you will believe. In fact, you must already view me as the sour or bitter EX. (Forget that I left HIM, and the possibility that HE might be bitter instead). Yes, that's the role I am cast in now, in this amazing new love story that YOU share with HIM.
You have probably been told that the break up was mutual, or perhaps that HE broke it off or was thinking about it anyway, and that maybe I just beat him to the punchline. He tells you he is sure that I still 'want him', because he is SO GREAT that in his mind, every one of his EX's really secretly regrets leaving him. Am I close? It would take a miracle on the moon for him to be truthful and tell you that it was his RAGE, HIS lies, his record, his numerous bad moods, his VIOLENCE, his 'keeping the options perpetually open, his words, his neglect, HIS secrets...the hours on porn and singles sites, his abuse, his excuses, the cheating, his always blaming others, and did I mention his lies and the VIOLENCE ???...that cost us our 'Dream'. The truth is that I left and moved far away...SO far away, ~where I was safe from both his lethal violent side and his charm. I am not angry, and I certainly don't want to be with him. Hello? Pay attention to logistics here and wonder why a woman would move SO far away and leave behind such a 'wonderful man' if he were truly wonderful? I wrestle with myself not to say this, but the truth is that of all the people I have met in my entire life, I wish that I had never met him. NEVER. Not ever. I could not mean this more. Oh, I loved the first part of the Dream too, and it was very hard to wake me up from it, but the damage in the aftermath of the nightmare it became was not worth any of it. And because I truly thought I loved him once, that makes me incredibly sad. I had nightmares and woke up in fear and tears fearing his anger and that he was coming to hurt me some more...but this won't happen to YOU. Right?
So many truths he will keep from you too...about his past, about his tantrums and frightening level of swift violent behavior, and all his trouble with the law. His lies robbed me of the information I needed to make very important choices for my own life and those I love...his lies kept me in the dark about what I REALLY faced in the future with him, and cost ME dearly in my time and ability to trust other men...and to trust myself to know who is good and who isn't 'good'. (it's called 'cognitive dissonance, and you will have this too the longer you stay with him) His abuse ripped my spirit and heart in two & took my happy disposition and my good health for a long time afterwards. I lost confidence and my cheerful personality. He kept from me what I deserved to know. ~That he was a violent man and had a history of abuse a mile long. I would never have had a first date with him, let alone give him a second look,..if I had known. And he knows this. He knows this about YOU too. And he will do anything to keep you from knowing the truth, including denigrating me, calling me a liar and saying that I am 'crazy' and 'jealous' so you will not believe me. He will accuse ME of the very things that he has done and continues to do. I am risking much to try to help you. But you will only realize this later...later when the Dream you are in right now comes to an end. I am sad to tell you that it WILL come to an ending. Not now, or even soon perhaps. You might even have a few 'happy months or years'. But one day it will end. Because if it doesn't, you will not survive. ~Either emotionally and spiritually...or even far worse... ~physically. When you wake up one day and see the damage he has really done to YOU and your life,...just as he done to everyone who has dared to love him, including YOURSELF, that's when your heart will be broken too.
Another SPOILER ALERT: Now comes the part where you must wake up! But you can save this part for when you are ready. Don't read any further if you want to dream just a little bit more. I wish that you were ready for some reality right now as I would like to find a way to protect you and spare you from the destructive nightmare that your 'dream' WILL become. I wish your love story was real. You won't believe this either, but I do. There will come a day when small dents in his armor will begin to show thru. A precurser to the big ones. It might happen sooner, or it might happen later. The timing is not relevant. What matters is that just like everything else is the same in this dream you are in at 'the beginning', so will 'the ending' be...the very same...a nightmare. Perhaps some details will change here and there...but it WILL end, and you will be hurt. Your sweet and giving heart that's so full of love for him, so full of unabashed joyful promise, so innocent of what's to come...will one day feel as if it has been broken beyond repair.
NO! you say?! This is real and it will never end. It's too bad I feel this way, but it will never be like this for YOU. Unfortunately, it will. He might try harder this time and do better. The dream may last longer this time with you. He may be determined that this time you won't leave him. Rejection and abandonment are his biggest fears...right up there with exposure. But the minute you become familiar, perhaps a little boring, or doubt him or question him, or wonder and ask for some clarity about his behavior, he will begin the dance of devalue and discarding you. Oh he will NOT discard or leave you right away. He won't break up with you all at once. Instead he will begin to torture you with abuse and neglect and blame, cheating and lies. Then when the push and pull, hot and cold rollercoaster ride he takes you on begins in earnest, you will feel it. And it will hurt. He will never leave you without a replacement already lined up and waiting in the wings. If you are anything like me, (and you are) you will try to fix things. You will lay awake in bed alone and long for him to return to that man you first fell in love with at the beginning when your dream was so new and so wonderful. But at this point you will rarely see him again. Instead, he has gradually become the REAL persona that he IS and transform back into the real Mr. Hyde. If the charming Dr. Jekyl ever comes back, it will only be at brief intervals, until he vanishes forever. This change might be subtle, or it may be sharp and clear as the first time he hits you full force with his fist, leaving you in shock and pain. Things will never be the same after that. They can't. Now you know too much about him and he must be sure no one else will know. Now you become the 'crazy one' who 'harangues' him...and very soon you will be in my shoes...IF you can escape.
Oh, he WILL be Dr. Jekyll AND Mr. Hyde for you off and on, for a while...He will seem loving and a complete gentleman, and then turn instantly sour and furious!... and then sweet and attentive again, then suddenly rage, then just as quickly smile and kiss you, and then grab you by your hair and threaten to throw you down the stairs, then wrap you in his arms and say he is sorry and he loves you and it will never happen again. He will make tender love to you, then say that you aren't really his type as you lay in his arms. He will seduce you with sweet nothings, then tell you that you are nothing. He will get on top of you and put his hands around your neck and smile as you struggle to breathe. He will feign sincere remorse, ~then the fake apologies will stop. He will be protective of you...then speed down the street at 160 kilometers/hr in a rage when he thinks someone cut him off...risking your life. He will frighten you...then laugh at your tears and fear. You will begin to notice that he is SO easily offended by the smallest things. He will give you a gift, but when he is angry, it will disappear and he will tell you that you lost it. His stories will change from one day to the next. He will vascillate between brutal 'honesty' and outright deception to confuse you, and then deny that he ever lies or plays mind games, and that YOU are making things up in YOUR mind. He expects absolute 'respect', to be noticed, appreciated, validated and admired and entitled, at all times...for no reason...and if the Dr.Jekyll act doesn't garner the complete attention and constant admiration he seeks from others, then his 'Mr. Hyde' true self will angrily demand that they notice him! Did I mention the temper tantrums? Oh boy! No mere 2 year old could out-do HIS version of 'pitching a fit'! The tantrum part is a lot of fun. Very entertaining the first time you witness it. He will whine and mutter, ~complain in a babylike voice, throw and break things, hiss and spit too. And when this happens, you will be shocked to hear a grown man, nearly 50 years old...whine like a very spoiled little girl. It's all just so NOT pretty to see. This behavior will continue more and more frequently...In cycles. ~Wash, rinse and repeat!
He will yell at you, then laugh at you and put you down. He will pout because you didn't read his mind. The tantrums will get louder and longer. He will step on the toes of tiny little elderly ladies and scream at THEM in the street in front of many witnesses. He won't care who he hurts! In time, his perfect 'Father of the Year' act will falter and he will rage, verbally abuse and hit his kids right in front of you. And you will be shocked at the swift fits of rage and sudden violence! He'll no longer try to hide it. He will complain about every other thing and break objects when he is angry. Then he'll smile and make a joke or make excuses and seem sorry. He will neglect you for days, and then romance you for a few hours. Up and down and all around. Small things at first, then HUGE! He will make you doubt yourself, mock you and tell you how stupid and inadequate you are. He will play mind games in earnest and play them to WIN. And he will be cruel, so cruel ...then say he 'didn't mean it' or you 'took it all wrong'. And 'can't you take a joke?'. Only nothing will be funny at this point.
He will slowly,...ever so carefully,~erode away your dignity and confidence. He may eventually beat you and bruise you too, as he has done in many of his other relationships. But he has been in trouble for abuse and assault so many times now that he's on the radar of local law enforcement. So it's possible he may not go quite this far...with YOU...as he knows the next time he gets violent, he will go to JAIL! ~But you will be abused. You will cry as much as you smile at this stage. Then, if you don't find a way to leave him after this, you will lose that smile completely. He WILL break you, hurt, crush, abuse you, damage, blame and use you, take your heart, your spirit, your trust, use your money, your love, health & life, stalk, threaten and scare you, then devalue and discard you,...then destroy you...and dust himself off with a satisfied smile and move on quickly to the next 'ONE'. You will become his 'horrible EX', and it will all be YOUR fault...and he will quickly start a new Fairy Tale Love Story...with someone else. After YOU. Guaranteed.
Your health and appearance will suffer. Your relationships with your family, children and friends will suffer too, because they will begin to notice things about him that they don't like, and will be puzzled that you stay with him. You will reach out to them and tell them about some problems and things he does, and they will get tired of hearing it when they offer their advice and support and yet see that you stay with him for more. This is when you begin to lose your own inner dignity. You will even question your own sanity to stay with this man, who once was your Prince, who's issues clearly go beyond the problems of someone who told you he that just maybe "wasn't perfect" sometimes.
He will eventually become who he IS. Nothing you can do will prevent his eventual transformation back into 'Mr. Hyde'. He IS a very unstable, angry, violent and selfish man with a personality disorder and character flaws that you cannot heal. Being with him will destabalize YOUR life, even your children's lives and affect them!... If you don't believe this right now, promise yourself that you will get out immediately at the first sign that what I am telling you is true...For THEIR sake, if you can't leave him for YOURS!
After quite a while of this stage, when you keep trying harder to please him...meeting all his needs...you will notice he will be up all night,...night after night, logging on to singles profiles you never knew he had. Looking up other women from his past and sexy coworkers on Facebook...He will spend time on porn for hours. Hours and hours and hours. Looking like an absolute BOZO the CLOWN totally oblivious that you are standing right there as he's stupidly staring at, talking to and masturbating to some air brushed naked women on a computer screen with his pants around his ankles. Just like some common heavy breathing pervert. Yep! That's the same Prince Charming you are with...right this minute! Take a good look! Not quite the picture of who he seems to be right now, is it?
There will be hang up calls and calls from Other Women asking for him and wondering who you are? You will begin to recognize many signs of deceit,(such as when he leaves in the morning wearing his sexiest underwear and after-shave on Tuesdays and Thursdays and returning home smelling like...well...SEX...later ) Or he makes secret calls outside on the patio, the garage or in the bathroom...or after you have gone to sleep. And you are NOT invited anymore to his work events, and he begins to suggest you each have your 'own space' or nights out sometimes. He suddenly joins a gym, or starts to go more often and for longer periods. He will brush past you at home and take a shower or change his clothes and put them on the bottom of the hamper. The kisses will stop. You will find notes with numbers beside names you don't know. Suddenly he will be having lunch more often with 'friends',...and you are not included. You WILL begin to notice you are a becoming neglected , and he will become angry if you point this out or ask him any questions about his change in behavior. And though he is very well practiced at hiding and denying that he cheats...DO listen girl. Pay attention here. No matter what he says, how he lies, how he denies...he DOES cheat. And he WILL eventually cheat on YOU. But this is the least of the concerns you should have. It is your safety that should be most important.
Oh yes, sorry to let you in on his dirty little secret life so soon. None of this is your fault. You see, no amount of your 'trying' and loving him really really good and really hard,...will change this about him. Eventually he WILL seek more and more attention from others. It does not matter how pretty and 'special' you are, or what a good cook you are, or how sexy and wonderful you are in bed. It doesn't matter if you are as gorgeous as 'Hallie Berri' or 'Elizabeth Hurley' and 'Christie Brinkley'. (just ask them, they will tell you this too) Being one of the prettiest, smartest and wealthiest, most talented women in the world won't spare you or make you more special to him, or make this Fairy Tale Love Story work out...later...when the newness wears off...and it will!. His need for attention and validation is endless and vast and no one woman can fill him up...right now he assures you that you are all he needs...but it's just another one of his lies.
There is so much more to tell you, but I will spare you the rest, I think you have heard enough to figure your way out, eventually...when you need to save yourself! If you eventually do leave, do so carefully, as he becomes highly offended and furious, he will call everyone you know, and neighbors all around you...in the middle of the night...pertending to be 'concerned'(but trying to get information about you)...and he will stalk you, stand outside your window at 2am staring at you as you're sleeping, and do everything that scary movies and nightmares are made of. Be very careful when you leave, as he becomes dangerous and harrassing and threatening, worse than you can imagine. I can only hope that you have paid attention. But I'm fairly certain that you won't, just like I wouldn't have either. Right now you love this Fairy Tale True Love Story and imagine with all your might that you really truly love him. That what you have with him was 'meant to be'. You have no idea that the man you love right now does not exist. It's just a mask. You will cling to this 'dream'...and HIM for dear life.
You think he loves you. He tells you he loves you SO much. You believe it with all of your heart. And it is so sad for me to tell you this too, but he does NOT know how to love anything or ANYONE...but himself. He can sure fake it to be even better than the real thing though! He is not really Prince Charming, andmore than a Narcissist. Because he is also violent and has been in trouble with the law so many times, because of this he is on the other end of the spectrum of Narcissist and more so a Psychopath. I can assure you that he is dangerous in many ways. Your spirit, soul...heart and body are in mortal danger, the longer you are with him. So please. Just for a moment, stop to ponder this. Right now, He has convinced you...ever so swiftly...engaged you SO fast...bonded with you so tightly...WHY the rush?, is it because YOU and HE are just that special together? Is there really such a thing as 'fate'? Or was it his intention to romance you so thoroughly that your head will be in the clouds and you will not pay attention to those 'Red Flags'..in hopes that you might never find out the truth that this 'dream' he created for you was well practiced and perfected on the "ONE"s before you. He hopes you will not see these truths about HIM. The truth is that you are really in a nightmare and you won't know it....until the damage is done and it's too late for you too...
That's one truth I hope with all my heart...that doesn't turn out to be true...
XO,
The EX-Girlfriend
READING LIST TO HELP INFORM YOU BELOW:
http://www.psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com
http://www.lovefraud.com
http://www.lisaescott.com
http://www.saferelationships.com
http://www.waking-you-up.com/Sarah-Strudwick.html
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